Smurfs: The Lost Village – A suprisingly good film.

The title lays it bare really. Smurfs and Smurfs 2 were god awful pieces of shit. I, like most people, put this down to bring them into the “real world”. Off the top of my head the only movie I knew where that worked was Who Framed Rodger Rabbit.

However, I always said that the Smurfs COULD work as a movie is they stayed in their own world and was fully CG. Hell they even had a really good story idea in Smurfs 2 with Smurfette’s origin.

Well low and behold, Lost Village, fully CG movie that deals with Smurfette’s origin, and it was good.

Honestly genuinely impressed me that they just made a fun movie, they didn’t even ham fist a message into it.,(save for one line at the VERY end), but as eye rolling as that was I’ll let it slide cause it does kind of work in world.

All in all, I had a low expectation of the movie, I saw the trailer and honestly, wrote it off. I only bought it cause it was cheap and I was curious, glad to see that in this case, I was wrong.

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Why Suicide Squad?

This has bugged me for a while now, why did they make a Suicide Squad movie?

DC wanted they own Guardian’s of the Galaxy correct? So why Suicide Squad? Why not Teen Titans?

Seriously, Teen titan’s makes a million times more sense. I even have the set up.

Amanda Waller wants a team that can go up again the next superman if they’re evil. She she get Maxwell Lord the create the Titans program. It aim’s the set up a group of teen as a superhero group.

He seeks out and recruits Beast Boy, Cyborg and Raven, as well as Starfire who the government discovered and have as a prisoner. Bruce Wayne, smelling something fish with Lord influences his to also take on Nightwing.

Second act ends with the Titans discovering the truth and abandoning lord and by proxy Waller. Who in retaliation unleashes a very dangerous villain they had locked away on the off chance the Titan’s turned on them.

So you have batman cameo via nightwing, eye candy via starfire, visual effects award chance with BB, oh and it introduces Cyborg to the universe prior to his justice league appearance, thus having 1 less hero to explain.

The real kicker with this one, had they gone with Titans, the second movie… DEATHSTROKE!

God Eater and the return of the silent protagonist.

I’ve stated before how much I hate silent protagonists. They pull you out of the moment, and could often solve an issue if they just open their goddamn mouths.

Now there are two sets of silent protagonists.

1: The mute SP. these are the largest offenders to me, people like the Doom Marine or Gordon freeman. Characters that never talk, ever.

and

2: The onscreen SP. Characters that do talk, but only offscreen. The camera will normally fade, and when it comes back another character will open will something like: “I see, thanks for tell me.”


God Eater: Resurrection, a PC/Console port of a PSP game. Has an infuriating semi-silent onscreen SP. “Semi-silent?” you say. Yes! The character, who is custom created I will admit. Actually does have some spoken dialogue, but only during missions, giving quips and sarcastic remarks as they fight.

During the cut scenes however, they’re utterly silent, simply smiling and nodded. doing the fade out trick if they need to explain anything.

Some scenes are just begging for dialogue too, and for the character to not have a prema-smile on their face.


Now the obvious retort is: “There are 20 different voices per gender, in the game, recording dialogue for them all would take too much space.”

And to that I say: The drop it to 5 voices. I know it’s a PSP game and the disks for that were only about a gig in size. But you could have cut a dozen of those voices, per gender, for more dialogue in the cutscenes. I hate using this example cause it’s comparing console to handheld. But Saints Row 2 had I think 6 different voices and that game had hours of cutscene dialogue. You can’t tell me they couldn’t remove half of those voices in God Eater to give the main character a few lines of additional dialogue to flesh out the character.

Indy games and endings. (Rebel Galaxy Spoilers.)

Well here we are again.

Another indy game, another unsatisfying ending.

Rebel Galaxy. Great game, think of it as a more arcade style Elite game. Here is SidAlpha’s Video about it, it’s the video that got me to buy it.


Now, I’ve talked about endings numerous times. And while RG’s isn’t bad, it is massively unsatisfying.

Spoiler Warning.

Basically, you spent most of the story befriending and helping an AI called Trell. Only for her to effectively sacrifice herself at the ending, transporting herself to unknown parts of the galaxy to save everyone from a race of aliens.

I’d say at least it wasn’t a protagonist death, but in this case it’s close enough to it. What annoys me is that the game hinted that once Trell was made complete, she was able to make jump gates to anywhere she wanted. I assumed this meant once the story was complete you’d have the ability to turn long haul deliveries that would take 2-3-4 jumps, into single jump hauls. Basically letting you go anywhere with ease. This would have been awesome. But instead it’s used by the plot then Trell as a character is removed from play.

It sucks! I liked Trell!

I don’t understand why indy games have bad endings, it ruins them for me. Replayability goes out the window for me if the ending is going to depress me.

Come on guys? Are nice, happy endings so difficult?

I’m not saying I can fix YouTube, but…

Okay this is something that been bugging me for a while, long before the whole demonetization bullshit.

One of the ways a YouTube channel can be fucked with is age restricting a video. This stops people from monetizing a video and means the you have to have an account that shows you to be over 18 to view it, and ads will no longer play on the video.


This is dumb. Not that there’s an age restriction system. But the fact that YouTube is ignoring a MASSIVE advert potential.

If your watching an age gated video than logically you’re over 18, so why not have age gated videos have more adult orientated ads? The user doesn’t lose revenue (or at least not as much of it) and more advertisers could come forward that has more adult orientated products. Sort using age gate as an “internet water shed” sort of system. Yes kids could still potentially see the vids. but it’s like TV’s water shed. If they are on it, it’s no YT’s fault, maybe you should pay attention to your fucking kids you scummy-ass parents!


Now I’m not talking ads for porn or anything. But I’m sure there’s advertisers out there that steer clear of YouTube because they’re not “family friendly” so opening up a more adult brand of advertising would prove fruitful for both content creators, YouTube, and the new business it could potentially bring in.

Why I can’t watch Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them again.

Okay, I thought Fantastic Beasts was a pretty good movie. I’ve already spoken about my hatred for prequels, but they is sort of done right. While we know the ultimate fate of Grindelwald. Everyone else around him is a new character, so we don’t know how it ends for them.

However, they is one scene, just one, that infuriates me so much I have no drive to ever which the movie again. It’s not the ending, it’s not some form of humour derived from embarrassment, no.

It’s the god damn execution scene!

Oh sweet jesus that scene boils my blood. When I saw it I was screaming at the screen. Texting my girlfriend as it happened. I was enraged.


And it wasn’t the fact that they had a death penalty. It was the way they carry out that sentence in the film… barbaric isn’t a term I’d use because it’s too nice!

They effectively trick a person into LOWERING THEMSELVES into a pool of living death. They pull their memories out which putting them into what I can only describe as a dazed trance and urge them to lower themselves into the pool where their memories are!

And if that wasn’t bad enough, the bitch that was urging the character into the pool did so WITH A SMILE OR HER FACE! “Doesn’t that look good!” Was her exact comment.

VOLDEMORT WAS MORE HUMANE, AND HE WAS THE VILLAIN!

I’m not saying they should use the killing curse, believe it or not I do understand the reason why that’s not used. But that style of execution… It’s akin to drugging someone and egging them on to kill themselves, and doing so with a smile. It’s not something a person should ever do.

And I know; “it’s just a movie.” yeah yeah, I get it. But it’s a scene that has made the movie hard, if not impossible to rewatch. Delores Umbridge will forever be the Potter character I hate the most, but miss “Doesn’t that look good!” is a close second. Anyone that can carry out THAT form of execution with a smile on there face… Voldemort is evil, she is worse.

Ghost in the Shell – Box Office Flop?

The box office failure of Ghost in the Shell had nothing to do with Scarlet Johansson as the lead. Anyone that watched/read GitS understood that the ethnicity of the Major’s “shell” was inconsequential. No, it’s failure comes from the fact that animation (east AND west) is notoriously difficult to adapt to live action. And the fact they tried to adapt from the MOVIE of GitS. Which, in reality was not a good film.
Had they not focused on the Major, done a proper detective plot with section 9 and featured the Tachikoma’s. I think it would have done a lot better.
Full disclaimer: No I haven’t seen the film, I really don’t want to since the trailers make it look wholly unappealing.

The uniqueness of video games. (Endings Rant)

Comedian Dara o’Briain has a really funny comedy bit about how games are unique art form in that if your bad at it, it locks you out the rest of the story. A movie doesn’t stop half way and pop quiz you, then deny you the rest of the movie if you get answers wrong. But get a game over on a game and you’re back to the start. It’s a funny bit.

Now, after finally beating Seraph I came to a realisation. Movies don’t just end after the bad guy is beat. Books don’t just end after the final conflict. Stories have endings and epilogues that complete the story.

WHY THE FUCK DO GAME DEVS THINK THEY DON’T NEED TO DO THIS!

Seraph just ends, just fucking ends. it give you the option to join or destroy the boss. and no matter what choice you make the game well just stop, roll credits and return to menu. It gives you NOTHING!

This would be fine if it was a game that’s didn’t have a narrative. But the game goes has a really good narrative where making that final choice actually means something.

UNFORTUNITLY THE DEVS DECIDED TO JUST EXCLAIM FUCK IT AND NOT BOTHER WITH AN ENDING.

And no, there is no excuse, no “artistic choice” that would explain this bullshit other than laziness. I’ve ranted before about how endings matter. and that was complaining about shit endings. But at least a bad ending is still a fucking ending.

It’s fucking stupid that they even contemplated doing this let alone actually do it.

“We’ve written an interesting story, how do we end it though?”
“Let’s not, lets just cut the credits, and let them decide what happens!”
“Genius, that way we don’t need to do any work!”

Either finish your story or don’t have one. There’s a reason no one liked the ending to The Sopranos. BECAUSE IT WASN’T A FUCKING ENDING.

Ghost 1.0 and the ignorance of history.

So I bought Ghost 1.0 in the Steam winter sale. I was quite happily playing it until I hit 1 cutscene.

While this hasn’t spoiled the game for me or anything. I find it’s a symptom of an issue the industry has been experiencing of late.

In the cutscene two character are talking about if history would see their exploits turned into a video game in an attempt to be meta.

The response is that it would be unlikely because video game protagonists are hunks, white, and male. and he was fat, his friend was black, and the third member (the one actually doing the work) was female.

WHAT

THE

FUCK

Now, I’m not going to argue that there are a boat load of “white men” as game protagonists. However. trying to pull that shit when the game is tagged as a “Metroidvania” game is fucking retarded. Since the Metroid portion of that tag refers to a game series that has always had a badass female protagonist.

Let’s list games list some games whose protagonist are either, none-built, non-white, or female shall we. An extensive list isn’t hard to find, but off the top of my head:

Tomb Raider SERIES: At least 10 games, all with female protagonist.
GTA: San Andreas: Black protagonist, and can be made fat if desired.
Portal & Portal 2: Female protagonist.
The Shantea games: 4 games all with a female protagonist.
Assassin’s Creed: Liberation: Protagonist is a black female.
Assassin’s Creed 3: Protagonist is Native American.
Infamous: Second Son: Protagonist is Native American.
Sleeping Dogs: Protagonist is Asian.

And this isn’t going into games with multiple protagonists, beat’em ups or the myriad of games with a create a character feature.

You want to think there’s too many “white males” in video games? That’s fine, make games where that isn’t the case. But question: Who the fuck are you to dictate what race and gender should be the protagonist in someone else’s game?

I’m going to finish with a simple comment.

I am a disabled straight white male. Yet I don’t need the protagonist to be disabled, straight, white, or male to identify with them. If you are bitching that you can’t identify with the protagonist because they’re not of your race, gender, or sexuality. Then the problem lies with you, not the game.

Whenever I go to therapy I have to fill in a form that asks how I’ve felt in the last two weeks.

On of the questions asked how often I’ve had suicidal thoughts or thought about hurting myself in some way.

I’ve stated several times that I would never do those things, and I still feel that way.

But right now… I don’t relish filling in that question.